Sunday, January 17, 2010

Babies on the Brain

More than a few friends of ours are getting pregnant again and it gets my mind a'racing.

I LOVED being pregnant. I can't wait to do it again...and again..?? My favorite part of pregnancy is the beginning. I was blessed with not having morning sickness; nauseous here and there, but no actual morning sickness. But, besides absentee morning sickness, I loved the beginning because there's this wee little baby growing inside me and no one is able to tell. It's like our little secret. The thing that really gets me is that my body is hard at work, creating this little life, that is living and thriving inside me and you can't even tell--that life is just so teeny. Of course, my body is still hard at work when it's uber-obvious that I'm baking a little babe, but the first trimester still reigns my fav.

As excited as I'll be when I get pregnant for the second time, the idea of being pregnant again...with a four month old... scares me to my core. And, I'm sure I'll come off as beyond vain right now, but I want to enjoy my body, and what I've lovingly dubbed my "Pam's", again for a long time. But, maybe that's not vain? Not one of my pregnant friends I was blessed to have simultaneous pregnancies with didn't miss her body at some point. Beyond that, I want Jake to have his time as the only little one in the house. I want him, and all our future babies, to be able to get that special kind of attention only a newborn receives.

With that said, I would feel AWFUL if I were to find out, sometime soon, that I was pregnant again. I'd feel awful because it would feel like I'm almost knocking the new babe, which couldn't be further from my intentions. Gary, Jake, & I would love that new little one with every fiber of our being, but it's not something I'd hope for. The possibility of pregnancy is just always there. After all, the only surefire way to not get pregnant again is abstinence and that's just not our thing.

I bring up the possibility of being pregnant again because sometimes my shoulder causes me so much pain that I get nauseous. And, we all know what question ultimately arises when a woman says she's nauseous. So, not that I really entertain pregnancy as a possibility right now since we're super careful ((I mean, my uterus is Fort Knox on lockdown kind of careful)), the possibility, however statistically small given the calendar date, still exists.

My least favorite Aunt is scheduled to arrive next week (she's only stopped by once since Jake's birth, but, with breastfeeding, I don't think she's really a guarantee). There's part of me that will feel relief when she's here, only because I want my bod, and part of me that would be OK should God decide our family will be blessed with another little angel sooner than we planned. He obviously knows what's best.

I remember telling my friend Christian, who I had a class with my last semester (miss ya, chikita!), I was pregnant. It was the best thing to look at her and say "I'M PREGNANT!!!" One of the first things she said to me was "You're going to be such a cute little pregnant girl!" I remember texting my mom that Christian said that and followed with "Naturally, we're besties now" ;) I remember the conversations I had with each person that I told I was pregnant. I remember pleading with my ute, and continually asking Gary, "when are you going to pop out?!?!", I remember walking the halls at school when people were finally starting to be able to tell I was a soon-to-be mama. I remember feeling Jake's first consistent kicks as I took the stage to receive my degree. I just loved it all. It was a special time that I know I'll never forget.

If I sit back and think logically, I know that my infrequent nausea is from the craptastic state of my left rotator cuff (stupid stairs....) plus my impending "visit". I know that my lower backache is also from said visit. I know that my need for a nap is because I'm more used to 6 hours of sleep--since I don't have the presence of mind to sleep the full 8-9 hours Jake does at night--than the 8 I sometimes get and my body wonders whaddafuxup?

When Gary and I put Jake to sleep each night, we'll sometimes talk about future kids. I tell him that I want to get pregnant where the bulk of my pregnancy will be during the summer/warm months because I loved being able to slip on flip flops, wear a cute little sundress or skirt and lounge around. I really wouldn't want to have to worry about layering, or putting on boots fit for snow (even though I was able to touch my toes my entire pregnancy--and yes, I think I should be able to brag that..AND have friends be proud of me!). We talk about how we'll tell my parents I'm pregnant again, how Jake will react to another baby, and the ways we'll handle the new dynamic having more kids will bring.

The idea of having more kids makes us so happy. I guess the only thing to do is sit back, make our plans and hope that we're doing what's right for us. I think there will always be that teeny bit of jealousy when another of my friends gets pregnant, just because I want to do it again, but our time will come again. I'll get to formulate that perfect way I told Gary that Jake was camped out inside me, again.

As for now, and as far as I know, our family will stay a threesome for some time. We could not be happier with our life. I wouldn't change our situation one bit.

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