Saturday, March 6, 2010

The Surreal Life

Let me preface this by saying how in love I am with my life. I have the best husband & son I could ever imagine. Love you guys :)

As of today, Gary has been gone 6 days. The first day, I was surprised how well I was doing. I had a few tears when he kissed me goodbye that morning, but Jake & I jumped right into things. But, when by 6 am I had further decorated Jake's room, cleaned up from the night before, got laundry ready for the wash, folded laundry, & straightened up the garage, I realized I had a problem & promptly entered Distraction-Lovers Anonymous.

When Gary left for training when Jake was about a month old, that sh*t was hard. Jake & I were still learning each other & breastfeeding had yet to become second-nature; not to say it was all bad or a bad time, but harder. Gary would call & I'd just cry because I just felt like I was doing something wrong. It was not as simple as it is now to get him what he needed. So, the past few days of Gary being gone, I've been quite impressed with myself ;) I was excited how easy it is, & that's what I chose to focus on.

Over the past week, I've had a tear here or there about missing him, but I've quickly recovered. Today, not so much. I went to the post office to mail a package to Uncle Kevin & his girlfriend, & decided to go for a drive afterward because I didn't feel like going back home & Jake was looking for a nap anyway. So, we left & took a drive over to Starbucks in Clarksville, then took a self-guided tour around the city. Once I hit the 24, I lost it. It's a gorgeous day out, warmer than it has been, & all I could think was how we were "here"again. This place. The place where my husband doesn't get to spend warm summer nights out with me, watching the fireflies go by. Or take a neighborhood walk with me ( & J too, of course!)---yes, our life is like a Nicholas Sparks novel. Or any of the wide array of summer crap we like to do. Time just flew by. Between baking & serving a babe, & moving, the days just go too quickly.

By the time Gary goes to Afghanistan in June, he will have been home about a year & a half. Thank God for that! I love seeing my man home every day. Just wish I could keep him home every single day.

While I was driving, my mind was all over the place. I thought about how my dad called during that time Gary was gone when Jake was a month old. He asked how we were doing & I said that we were doing just fine (which was true). He said "Well, just keep doing what you're doing. You're doing a great job" That was exactly what I needed to hear. I thought about how I wanted to blog about all the stuff I was feeling, to get it off my chest, & how I worry, sometimes, that someone will misconstrue what I'm saying as unhappiness. That could not be further from the truth. I love every aspect of my life. I have the two great loves of my life, & could not be happier; just wish the Army wasn't so much of an abstract (stay with me here...) that I could give "it" some back-alley-Soldier's Wife-vengeance. I thought about how I hadn't realized that my staying so busy/distracted this past week balled my sad feelings into a little corner in the back of my dome that would come to the forefront today. That is weird in itself. I'm not one to push a feeling away. Not that I'm dramatic by any means, but if I feel something, I acknowledge it & move on. I know waaayyyy too many bipolar, passive-aggressives to do that!

When Gary gets mad at something, but doesn't want to give it too much weight, he'll say that such and such is "ball soup". That tickles me :) Well, I'd like to say that thinking about him going this summer is my "ball soup" (I decided that my mama mouth is allowed to say that right now...it's my "release"!) No matter how many projects I've done/lined up for myself, or playdates we've had/will have, or number of friends Jake has met, it's just a kind of temporary fix. Doesn't really take care of the true issue. Obviously. Doesn't make things easier, overall, just makes them easy at one time.

Gary has been able to call at night & we have a nice little chat :) It's just weird to be back to those times where I ALWAYS have my phone charged, & next to me. Weird that Jake will get to know the ins & outs of the post office before he even turns one! But, I'm soo thankful for those chats. We get to laugh over the crazy antics of our boy, talk about how much we miss one another, what we want to do when he gets back. Those chats take us to our own little world. It just sucks (mama mouth is back...you know what it sucks...) that it's really reminding me of deployment.

HOW-EFFING-EVER...

God gives us exactly as much as we are able to handle. I know that this deployment will not beat me up too badly because God is giving it to us. Yes, our sheets may be tear-stained, but I'll get up in the morning & see the smile on my boy's face, hope for a phone call, & drive on. Plus, it totally helps that Jake is like a mini-clone of Gary, so he'll be my version of a "Daddy Doll" (Sarah, Alena....that one's for you ;) )!!

Man, I feel better. Can't say I got through writing this without crying, but I do feel better. Thanks, peeps :) It's a blessing in itself that I'm married to a man that I long for mentally, physically, emotionally... It's a blessing that I have someone to love this much. So, it turns out, there is something worse than deployment, & that would be not having found my other half.

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