Sunday, May 23, 2010

My first official breakdown

I've mentioned a few times how deployment was creeping up on us & how it was makin' us sweat...like a whore in church. For real. Kind of like that "Oh shit, son....what did we want to do again?" "You needed what for your hygiene kit?" "Which boots did you want to pack" "What did we want to remember to do with Jake before D-day?"

Ugh

I mean, we have it down. We know we wanted to hit our hot spots: zoo, baseball game, some type of watering hole (big pool, or teeny kids pool in the backyard) so we can use J's new board shorts (!!!) or wet suit (!!!!!), picnic in the park (there are some etc's, I'm sure...)

So, because we're practically seasoned pros at WAR (umm...should anyone be able to say that?!?), we know that out of all the things we want to do, & those things that will find their way onto our list, we know to do the items that require travel first. You DO NOT want to be traveling right before deployment, if you don't have to. That sucks up your time together at exponential speeds. #2--You plan, and plan and plan & then you plan some more. For instance, I know we might need food in the next millennia, so I'll make sure to make a short stop at the commissary while Gary's at work, or get a run to Target done in the morning, so I'm home for Gary's lunch. You have to run like a well-oiled machine to avoid missing ingredients to dinner (I LOVE cooking for him, but have a biological need to do it at this point), schedule mishaps, & time lost trying to recover from said mishap. Seriously, everything sucks up your time.

Last night, after Jake was in bed, Gary & I took our spots next to one another on the couch to watch a movie. Gary got up to get something & by the time he was back I was soaked in tears. He rushed over to me & bear-hugged me, so I cried more (you know how that goes...). I couldn't get anything out but inaudible huffs and puffs, & he just kept saying "I know.. I know..." (FRICK, I'm going to cry now just thinking about it!).

It never gets easier.

Gary's said a couple times that he doesn't even want to think about having to walk away from us on D-day. H-E double hockey sticks, I don't want to walk away from him! Can there not be some gravitational force that geographically separates the military couples that must part ways? Oh shit...AND, I have to keep myself together enough to not completely lose my shit while caring for our baby boy. Hefty order, friends, hefty order.

SIDEBAR: When I dropped him off at the airport after leave in '08. I sat in the car & talked to my mom for, like, an hour and a half (crying of course). I sat in front of our house, when it was hotter than Hades because I could not bring myself to walk into that empty house. Now, I have Jake, I get it, but, that's hard, too, because it makes me want to throw up thinking that Gary isn't going to be able to see everything Jake does; won't be able to share in that immediate joy with me. END SIDEBAR

The first few weeks are the hardest. Once you get into a routine, things become manageable, but getting through the first few weeks is like kicking an addiction, cold turkey. Ya see, we, kind of, have a thing for each other ;) We laugh constantly. We do completely dumb dances to make Jake laugh. We reach for each other's hands in the middle of the night. We dish about our days as I make dinner.

There will be many tears in our future. I mean, we hate when he has to work late, so this is borderline excruciating. But, we do have a game plan. Jake & I are going to be doing an inordinate amount of activities during the week, & coming up with a routine that keeps us going all.the.time. Gary's going to be focusing on work, & keeping his eyes & ears out for ANY means of communication.

(((GOOD NEWS!!!! Instead of the strong, to quite strong, possibility that he won't have access to phones or internet in this God forsaken part of Afghanistan, we're being told that there should be (any more perfect words in the Army language?!) phones and/or internet capabilities after 2-3 months!!!!!!!!!))))

But, thankfully we still have a few weeks :) Gary's excited to go & pick out the prints he wants for the blanket I'm going to make for him to take over there, & we should be able to get the prints back from the photographer of Jake's pics (assuming we ARE able to take them tomorrow...this weather is really cramping my outdoor-picture-style!). So, as effing painful as it's going to be, I'm doing everything in my power to send him off right. He's such an amazing man, such an incredible hubby, I just hope he knows exactly how much he means to us.

Once this crap actually gets going, here's my list to beat-the-deployment blues:

1) LOTS of walks
2) VISITS!! being excited about Uncle Kevin, & his gf's, Casey, visit next month...Uncles Patrick & Colin later this summer (hopefully!)
3) Mine & Jake's trip to Cali in August
4) Planning the HELL out of Jake's first birthday bash!! (which is quickly turning into a Super Sweet One Year Old!~~my parents want to have it at the beach!!!!!)
5) TONS of dates with the bunch of new mama friends I've made around town & on post
6) Washing cloth diapers (hey! I get to use my way-too-cute clothesline!! :) )

These are some of the things that should be a great help to us. We can do it!! Well, frick, what choice do we have!?

This is soo incredibly painful, but there's not a damn thing I wouldn't do for this man. He's the best friend I could ever ask for. He's the love of my life. He's my soul mate. He's the cheese to my macaroni.

Babe, I love you more than you'll ever know

2 comments:

Alena said...

Momma, I know it's hard. I *know* it's hard. I remember hiding in the bathroom crying the night before Cody left when we were in the regular army because I didn't want to stress him out anymore than he already was. That feeling....it stays with you. It's really not much easier now, I am just getting used to saying goodbye constantly and having to constantly be in the routine because Sophia has to have the consistency.

Anyhow, just know I am here and I understand!

Erin said...

Hang in there! This is the hardest part, I think. The anticipation. And the frantic rush to squeeze everything in.