Wednesday, June 16, 2010

foxtrot uniform charlie kilo

We're here again.

My husband is, honorably, serving overseas for the 3rd time.

The amount of pride I feel for him, as a husband, as a father, as a soldier, as a man in general, is staggering. He still takes my breath away....and, we've been together 8 years next month (I am so in love with you, sweet pea). I feel so honored to be his, and he mine.

That amount of pride I feel for him, in all walks of life, is only matched by the all-encompassing misery I'm feeling at this moment. I ache for him.We're a super-close couple. I mean, we're, literally, best friends. There's not one thing we keep from each other, and there's not one thing we wouldn't do for one another.

We laugh so hard no sound comes out, we watch movies like we're still dating, we have pillow-talk into all hours of the night, we text each other sweet nothings. We've been that way from the get-go, but I'm still so proud of us for keeping things in perspective. We're blessed to have each other; we don't treat each other like a job.

This is what I miss.Not that our dynamic will change because our geographics have changed, but to feel that warmth and excitement when one of us walks through the door. I love our little Jake to pieces, but there's an emptiness in this house right now. I know we'll make the best of this hell-on-earth, aka deployment, since we don't have a choice, but the first night? I'd rather take a kidney punch. While getting paper cuts. And being poked in the eye.

These past 2 weeks, leading up until this day, have been so great. We're pretty easily excited when it comes to our outings, but, lately, it's been like we're 10 years old and it's Christmas morning. It's been an amazing time, but the double-edged sword is that it kept us in the moment; we didn't dwell on deployment, but it also made today feel like it came out of left field.
This morning was something else. We'd have random, simultaneous moments where we'd see that crushed, dejected look in each others eyes. Other times, we'd take a deep breath together. Other times, we'd pass each other, going from room to room, and just break down. Or, he'd be holding Jake & hearing me sniffling in the kitchen as I made breakfast & come in to save me. It was all nauseating. Literally. Gary complained of nausea since the moment he got up. I felt the same. We knew it was one thing and one thing only: deployment.Gary had been packed and ready to go, so it was just a matter of getting out the door. We took a few pictures outside and, up until we got to the meeting area, we were inadvertently treating this like any other outing; just running around gathering what we needed.

Then we got there.

We parked and saw 4 huge connexes, and soldiers huddled with family at various parts of the parking lot. My eyes immediately teared up.

Gary had places to go and people to see, but when I offered for Jake & myself to come with him, he said no. It was about 143*, and about 157% humidity, so he wanted us to stay in the a/c. He'd come back and check on us from time to time. Every time he did, I'd cry saying how I didn't want him to go. He'd say how he felt the same, but that we'd be ok, we'd get tough in a matter of time and kick the crap out of this deployment like the 2 before.
All of a sudden, he had a formation " in 3 minutes". We found that oddly specific, but we don't question an order. Gary headed back, with every intention of coming back and relaying the messages he received. I had just finished feeding Jake in the backseat and saw another bus pull up. Something told me to jump out of that car like my ass was on fire. I put a hat on Jake and walked over to where everyone was congregating. Gary comes up and kisses me, and kisses Jake. I got all worried & said "we'll be able to see each other one more time, RIGHT?!?!" He said he wasn't sure, but we said our goodbyes see ya laters as if it were the last time.
Pretty soon, everyone was scattered, running around trying to sneak in a last hug/kiss from loved ones as they headed to the final formation that would lead them to the buses. I lost Gary in the crowd (how I "lose" my 6'3" husband is beyond me), but he ran up and wrapped his arms around us and kissed us both. I told him how much I love him and to be safe. He ran in the back of the formation (which worked out since I was able to sneak in a couple more kisses) and waited.

We'd blow each other kisses, sign "I love you", clutch our necklaces, and just stare at each other; another silent conversation.
He began motioning to me to go ahead & head out. I couldn't bring myself to do it before I saw him step onto the bus, but it was hotter than fucking hot and I know it's what he wanted, so I started heading out.

The buses were blocking one exit, so I used another and managed to catch a glimpse of him, between the cars as he walked toward the bus.
By the time we got home (a 2 minute drive, tops), I was bawling my head off. I wanted nothing more than to be able to reasonably conduct myself in public so that I didn't have to go home. Babies R Us and the commissary were on my list, but there was no way. And, ya know what's beyond incredible? As I walked in from the garage, holding Jake, he was staring at me. Like, staring into my eyes. Then, he'd just lay his head on my chest. He knew. Makes me cry more to think about it. He knows.

There has to be a first day of deployment for there to be a last. My love will be back soon enough

My Soldier, your family is here, in your house, awaiting your return. Until then, we'll count the days until this house is a home.
I'm so in love with you. We're so proud of you. We await your return with bated breath.


Alena said...

When we were in Kansas and he left with a large unit, and it went like this...he told me to go before they walked towards the buses. He told me he didn't want my last image of him to be walking away. I am tearing up remembering. You can do this Momma & you will!!

Maytina said...

Excuse me while I go reapply my makeup. I am sitting here bawling my eyes out - and I just don't do that. Oh Sammi, I am so proud of you and every other military wife that has to deal with this over and over. Jake will get you through, and I promise to be a fun phone distraction whenever you need it! <3

Christine said...

Oh my gosh, I'm in tears just reading this!!

I just can't imagine how strong you and your husband are. The love you share is obvious and to be so far apart geographically - ugh, I wish no one had to do it. How long is this one?

Thank you though. From me and my family. :)