Saturday, June 19, 2010

A woman can fake it.

I try so hard to be positive. I mean, what choice do I have. As my friend Cristal says, when people ask her how she does it as a military wife, "You lock yourself in your room, have a good cry. Come out, order pizza for the kids. What choice do I have? I have to make it"

Thursday, the day after Gary left, Jake was being little hater. He was pissed off no matter what was going on. Then, I, infamously, heard from Gary and I just didn't care. I was in a happy, romantic fog.

Then, Friday morning came.

He got up at effing twilight. But, if you read the post before this one, you know things went well. Our day was amazing. For that, I was grateful.

But, when we got home, he resumed his asshattery. No matter what I did, he was pissed. Literally. No matter what I did. First, I thought he was just SCREAMING (the newborn scream...he didn't even have that when he was a newborn!) because I was running around the house doing little things and didn't sit right next to him for hours. Turned out, he would scream no matter what. He wanted to be held, I held him. He hated it. He wanted to be down on the floor, I put him there. He hated it. He wanted to play with the keyboard of the laptop, I let him. He hated it.

That's exhausting in itself.

Then, the mood swings came. He'd be his ADORABLE, dimply self, talking my ear off. We'd sing back and forth to each other. It made me realize my little man was still in there. Then, he'd go back to hating EVERYTHING. I wish that were a dramatization. Hating EVERYTHING. So, not only was my mentality being kicked around because of trying to figure out what would make him happy, now I have to worry about him going from hot to cold. & it was lava-hot hot and iceberg-cold cold. Then, I'd, unintentionally, switch back and forth from sheer frustration to utter happiness within minutes, dependent upon what he was feeling. It was so mentally and emotionally taxing.

I called my mom, bawling my head off. I felt/kind of feel like I was a horrible mom. A horrible mom for being sooo irritated with him, a horrible mom for not being able to make him happy. She reassured me that sometimes you just want to give your kids to the next person that crosses your path. And, I know that it's 2 things with him right now. 1) He's missing daddy. He knows something is off in this house. 2) This pseudo-independence stage. He wants to do his own thing, stand, rollover, do his own thing, BUT, he also wants me to sit next to him, never leave him, become his shadow. THIS IS NOT HIM. That's one of the first things my mom said. He doesn't scream, he doesn't need me next to him 24/7 (and quick thank you to God, and the farmers, for there not being more hours to a day). He's NEVER needed those things.

I wanted, so badly, for yesterday to just stay amazing. I wanted to feel like I was making my husband proud. I wanted to feel like I can handle this. "This" being, both, my husband being gone and caring for a baby without a spotter.

I know I can do this. I know Jake's in a period of transition. But, I've cried sooo many tears over just feeling worn out. I miss my husband. There's not one thing he doesn't make me feel better about. He's my biggest supporter.

I suppose it's a blessing that Jake has never been like this. We've had 9 months of bliss, where I feel like Jake is just another person on mine & Gary's team. But, then again, I haven't had much practice at dealing with this amount of bullshit.

I don't want to cry from bordering on insanity anymore :( I want a GIANT VAT of my favorite icecream, chocolate chip cookie dough, with a ton of fudge. But, for shit's sake, I'd have to go out and get it, which means getting ready. Which means having J in the bathroom with me, sitting in his bouncy seat. SCREAMING. Screaming because he can't see me constantly.

I HATE feeling this way toward him. I love that little boy to pieces. I can't get enough of him. That's what makes it extra hard to be feeling this way.

Ok, I do feel better now, but I just want to know that when Jake gets up from his nap, he'll let me up off the mat.

:::inhale:::
:::exhale:::
I can do this

2 comments:

The Chandlers said...

8 months is when seperation anxiety kicks into high gear! Added to that deployment and it may take some time for y'all to find your balance and footing again. But it will get better, and you'll start to feel better. Because the blessing and the curse of having a baby and then having your husband gone...is that your baby will remind you of the good. You'll see your husbands smile in your baby and be happy.

Michelle Murphy said...

Wow! That's rough! Keep taking deep breaths... I hope it gets better REALLY soon!