Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Buckle your seat belts

Well, party people, it's that time.

What time, you ask? Time to go into the negative.

I don't like to do this. EVERY TIME I want to scream obscenities at the delightfully victimized people I get to refer to as my in-laws, I don't. We don't. We don't believe in smear campaigns.

Yes, we have people we talk to, to relieve the insane amount of bullshit we put up with from these people. But, we DO NOT, say, I don't know, print out personal emails (which, I'd write 1,000 times over should I have the chance. Gasp! What? My husband is involved, & in agreement with, everything said? Shocker) and send them to members of the family who aren't even involved.

Are some of you confused? Well, that's honestly surprising. I guess my father-in-law didn't have your address. That's why douche-of-the-century didn't send you a printed out email from me, where I list the ways in which we will not have any contact with them.

Oh yes, it was glorious.

When I was pregnant, we wrote a few emails to *them* because I, desperately, wanted everything to be ok. I didn't want any sort of tension, negativity, or ugliness surrounding a time we loved. I loved being pregnant. Gary loved me being pregnant. We were on our way to having our first child & I wanted nothing more than to have him/her enter a content world. Plus, pregnancy was super exciting & I could talk anyone's ear off about it!

So, we set off writing an email that, basically, said 'there's a lot of exciting stuff going on with the pregnancy, we want to include you. But, please, just treat us like adults. That's all we're after. We want everything to be ok'

The first sentence in the reply to that email? [from the mother] 'did I write you? Well, why are you writing me?' and, one of the sentences in the last paragraph: 'Gary [my husband is named after the father] & I look at you guys like a death'

Does that not make you get all tingly from your head right down to your toes?? What warmth. What compassion. What a bleeding heart that mother must have for not talking to her son for such a long time. She seems in a ton of pain, right?

She's a stellar human being.

So, we thought, 'Great. Glad things went so well...' Then, I received an email from the oldest sister asking about the pregnancy, talking about her pregnancy...that kind of stuff. I responded, honestly, as if we were best friends. I wasn't standoffish in my response. I used all kinds of smiley's and exclamation points (that means e-nice, right?!). I remember talking to Gary about how, maybe this was the start of something good (I choose to refer to this as the time of 'hope', rather than 'naivete'...)! She never responded.

Then, out of the clear blue, & after she, and the other sister ignore Mother's Day for me (a mother to be), but send all kinds of Happy Father's Day wishes to Gary, she sends us some cross-stitch that had our names in it that was supposed to be a wedding present. Our wedding was a few years earlier. What a miraculous coincidence that she found it the same time as she was getting ready to move. The sentiment was almost too much for us to handle.

I remember asking Gary 'What are we supposed to think about this?' Mother-of-the-Year looks at us like a death, and wants us to only speak when spoken to (for reference: 'did I write you? So, why are you writing me?'); the oldest sister ignores friendly emails (and that is NOT how they do things. They do E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G so that other people will seem them as good. Nothing is super genuine toward us), so, now we're supposed to accept this years-old wedding gift like we're all a bunch of besties?

So, because we can't be on the phone with these people since they LOVE the sounds of their own voices, Gary writes an email saying that we didn't really know how we were supposed to feel about it, probably drops and f-bomb, or two, about the 'death' comment. Seriously, people? PICK A TEAM. Be nice, and send us super-late gifts, or continue to send us shitty emails. PICK ONE.

The mother responds with 'You two must love drama [this word needs to be taken out of EVERYONE'S vocabulary] for you seek it out in the smallest of reasons' So, basically, we're supposed to be yo-yo's; we're supposed to feel whatever they want us to feel at any given time. If they decide to be nice one week, we're supposed to roll with it and accept all things with open arms. If they decide to hate us another week, we're supposed to act according to that, too. We're never "allowed" to feel whatever we want to feel. We never, ever hear them say 'Oh, shit...didn't mean to make you feel that way' It is, literally, all our fault. ALL.THE.TIME.

This is where my glorious email comes into play. I've seen my husband just exasperated by the amount of energy it takes to engage in a verbal tango with these people. He's so over it. He's beaten down. He's lost as to how we'll ever go about retaining any amount of self-respect, while having any sort of a relationship with these people. And? I had had it.

After my millionth pee of the day, I was about 7 months along, I sat down with more articulation and clear thoughts than I knew what to do with. I wrote the most epic email ever.

I wrote how our child would never meet them. Would never meet people who constantly belittle us (I left so much out; I just don't have the energy to go through everything. Those are emotions I don't feel like handling right now, especially with what I just posted on here.), who yank us around. I would protect my family. I would protect my blood pressure by not talking to them (I told them I had preeclampsia...no clue how I got it....but that was ok apparently). I would protect our happiness.

My brothers were livid. Our friends? disgusted. They always asked why we kept giving them second chances, but we didn't want to believe all was lost, ya know? We had some semblance of hope.

This is why we don't invite them to parties (which, by the way, invites haven't even gone out for, so how would they know they weren't invited?). This is why we don't engage in badmouthing. This is why they continually talk, and we just leave it. How much can one handle?

After the FB status, I dropped about 2348970 f-bombs. I was so sick of it. I spent time talking to my mom, and other friends about it. I even got a little headache about it. Since I had hit wit's end, I started blogging about it. Then? My son, who was sitting next to me, looked up at me, with those baby blues and gave me the biggest smile possible. It made me feel WONDERFUL, and awful all in the same instant. I saw that those people aren't worth it, but also saw his beautiful innocence. I saw his undying love for me. I saw what truly matters, and I was ashamed that I spent any time on people who don't love us with their whole hearts, who don't love us at all.

Jake doesn't deserve any of that. Jake doesn't deserve to have time taken out for the ugly. Jake deserves the moon. I'd do anything for that little boy. Gary would do anything for that little boy. I'd do anything for Gary. Gary, anything for me....it's a vicious cycle :) They are what's important. & they are what softens the blow of dealing with anything not worth our time.

I hope you're able to tell through my writing that the happiness we feel in this home is staggering. We have so much love in here, we don't know where to put it. Our friends and family mean so much to us. We've been together 8 years, and I can't believe how much I am in love this man. I, on the daily, feel an overabundance of gratitude for my husband, my son, the fact that I am a stay at home mama, the love that I wouldn't trade anything for....I feel it so much my heart feels as if it will explode.

I can't sacrifice that. I won't sacrifice that. I won't let people with, clearly, no vocabulary take what we have. Actually, they couldn't if they tried.

We don't play games, we don't spend time making ill-wishes upon people. We're honestly happy <3

Guess the old saying is true, happiness truly is the best revenge. But, I wish that saying told you how to deal with people who treat you like this.


Wendy said...

I've always believed in being the bigger person in tough situations. By doing so, you are teaching your beautiful boy the way to live. Shelter him from that family as much as possible! The are striking out at you to get an ugly response. They want to confirm to all of their family and friends that they are in the right. Don't give them the satisfaction! Living well is truly the best revenge! Good luck!

Me said...

My advice: ignore them

It takes two to fight. The more you respond, the more evidence they have that you are as awful as they've told everyone.

Let them attack you all they want, when there is no response they'll eventually sound less like victims and more like the bitter, unhappy people they are.

Eventually the rest of the family will figure it out. And if they don't, then you don't need them around either.

I know it sucks to cut that much family out of your child's life, but like you said, he doesn't need it or deserve it. He also has your side of the family that is loving, happy and wonderful.

If you're happy with your life the way it is, then cut out those things that make you unhappy.

Life is just too short to spend your time worrying about them.

crazymom4x said...

If all this weren't true we'd be laughing it off as unbelievable. These people don't have the sense to realize they have only themselves to blame.

I've been involved from the get go and have seen it personally. You always kept that glimmer of hope alive until it was impossible to do so.

You three are a wonderful little family that have so much love. To spend another moment thinking about them is not worth your time.

Your true family and friends love you no matter what.

Misty said...

I hate that you have to go through this. I haven't known you that long but what I do know of you is you're a great mother & wife. In the end his family will regret not being in your life as well as Gary's and Jake's. Be strong.