Saturday, July 3, 2010

The first time

In the first 2 deployments, there were two separate, but equally memorable, moments where I remember letting out my first belly laugh, and then feeling awful about it. I felt like I shouldn't be laughing, or having a good time, when my husband is gone. I know that's a totally irrational feeling, but I thought "how can I be having a good time, when he's not?"

But, I think that's true of deployment; firsts are hard. Whether it be the first time you have that good, hearty laugh, or the first time that intense sadness rushes over you and you're weeping in a sad, little's hard.

I've had both of those moments in the last week! What the eff??

Jake & I have been handling the deployment pretty well. He had his infamous couple days, at the beginning, where I was sure the apocalypse was coming, but he's his usual sweet self. We've been keeping busy, lots of playtimes and running around town. But, there was one time, while feeding Jake in his highchair, where there was some sort of fun being had that was....different. I laughed in such a way that was a degree of lighthearted I was unprepared for.

I felt bad.

I can't speak for all military wives, but I think what makes me feel so bad about having a decent time while my love's away is that I'm, somehow, not missing him as much, not doing the pain I feel from him being gone justice. Somehow doing him a disservice, maybe?

Instance #2 was yesterday. All of a sudden, I got this wave of sadness I had yet to feel since he's been gone. I've been sad, obviously, but this was that helpless kind of sad. That he's-going-to-be-gone-a-whole-year?!?! kind of sad. I just cried. And cried a little more. Since he's been gone, I've been so busy with entertaining Jake and running our casa that I haven't really had time to sit there and actually think about the situation we're in. It all caught up with me.

I just want him to know how much I ache for him. How I picture our reunion every day. How proud I am of him. How I am PLANNING THE HELL OUT OF OUR VEGAS TRIP for when he gets back!!! And, in that instance where I let out that laugh, I felt like it suddenly made all those things untrue or something.

But, we keep on keepin' on! We're, actually, pretty impressive to be quite honest ;) I know we'll make it through, as if there's another option?

Still, no one can love me the way he does, and I have a son that wraps me in baby hugs every day, so that's enough to keep a girl warm at night, right?!



Michelle Murphy said...

You're doing awesome girl :)

Erin said...

I think dealing with deployment, especially in the beginning is a lot like a grieving process. I have heard people who are suffering the death of a loved one say something similar. Yes, we aren't losing them forever. But a year is so long and at the time is seems like forever.

Nichole said...

My mother-in-law died almost two weeks ago, after my husband and I sat at her bedside for 8 days. We were so incredibly immersed in heartache and grief.

When we tried to return to normalcy, each time we smiled or laughed, we felt guilty. I had a difficult time blogging, as I felt that to discuss light-hearted topics, I was somehow diminishing her importance.

Slowly, we are returning to normal. Some great friends reminded me that my mother-in-law wouldn't have wanted for us to be sad--to miss out on joy in life.

I'm willing to bet that the same thing could be said of your husband. I'm sure that he wants you to laugh and smile with Jake--to teach him happiness and joy.