Friday, August 20, 2010

Sexual Deprivation

Tonight, a friend of mine had the pleasure of hearing someone she knows talking to her boyfriend on the phone, as she strolled through Walmart. Oh, wait, I neglected to mention....SHE HAS A DEPLOYED HUSBAND.

This absolutely disgusts me.

I'm not trying to claim that all the soldiers overseas are angels. But, the only perspective I know is that of the Army wife. We all, more or less, go through very similar things. And, I can speak for what we don't get.

We are sexually deprived.

There's that "motto" (I guess...not sure what else I'd call it!) sexually deprived for your freedom. Typically seen it used by the wives back home, but, I guess, I'm realizing it can fit the guys, too. Either way, it's the effing truth. And, it blows (I'm starting to realize all the kinds of pun-fun I can have with this particular writing!!...).

No one is excited about this particular part of deployment, but, unless you're a skankosaurus, or a slore (slut+whore....doiy), you deal with it. Bottom line. There's no way around it. It's the cherry on top of your crap sundae, but, it's a fact of life. Then, he comes home on leave, and you lock yourselves in the house for 2 weeks, and make up for time lost.

The stories I've/we've heard are out of control. A good friend of mine, Cristal, has said that her and her husband would be out having beers in their garage late at night and see guys sneaking in and out of houses. Or, she'd be introduced to the "uncle" of her neighbor's kids at the commissary.

This is gross! Can they, seriously, not keep it in their pants?? My husband and me? I can't say that our hormones are unlike that of teenagers, but I can, and proudly do, say that our love, our marriage, our family comes leaps and bounds before any physical needs we may have.

How does one even mull over the idea of cheatsville? Do you think they sit at home on Saturday night, the kids in bed, and they leisurely drum their fingers across the table thinking "My bed is quite boring. Perhaps I will have some extramaritals, then call it a night"?

Cristal has also enlightened me to the fact that guys back home, either between deployments or on Rear D, can spot a woman with an overseas husband a mile away. I had no clue that this sixth-sense phenomena existed. These guys are trolling for lonely women?! I mean, really. Go spend some time in the bathroom...

During the second deployment, someone was especially forward with me, a couple different times. My mom thought about sending out the oldest of my brothers, Kevin, to stay until things settled down. But, could you even imagine that? Army wives don't always have the cleanest reputation, so having the neighbors see another man going in and out of our house would have driven them to such delusions about me. I am no slore, my friends.

I am effing sexually deprived.

((Also...the "especially forward" incident was taken care of, for those that don't know. I called the MPs, Rear D command came out, Gary's stateside friends came over to assure me no pervy perverson would get to me unscathed. :::clink clink::: Hear that, horn dogs?? That's me knocking on my deployment chastity belt))

Wait, I just realized something! An epiphany, if you will. There's a sex shop across the street from post. Umm, skankster wives, or those thinking of leaning to the side of skankville, I'd like to suggest picking up something of the phallic persuasion, buying some batteries, and KEEPING TO YOURSELF. I imagine that won't satisfy all the urges a sexual encounter can, but it could make due for the time being. Do what you gotta do. Hey, who am I to judge?

Whether you go the path of the dry spell, or have lots of alone time, why put yourself in the situation where something could happen? Cheese and rice, be smart while you're alone!

Today, for instance, J (I will not use his nickname given the context of this post. Grody) and I ran to Walmart to pick up a few things for our Cali trip (MONDAY!!!). I was in the back seat, getting Jake out, when two guys spotted me. I had my sunglasses on, so I was all I see you trackin' me with your lonely-wife-radar. As luck would have it, they parked a couple spots over. Using my superior spy skills, vis รก vis my big ol' sunglasses, I noticed when one nodded to the other to look my direction. I wanted to be all So, I know my maxi dress is super cute, and my hair looks pretty good, but it's 110* and I'm sweating like a pig. Just how desperate are you?? [p to the s...I kid about fabulosity. I felt that should be said. Love ya, dahlings!]

But, they lingered. And I sighed. Jake laughed. But, I HAD TO keep out of that situation. Not like there's any issue on my end, but they were thinking with their pants, and I have to be doubley (not entirely sure how that would should be spelled. And, for the life of me. I'm trying to wrap up this post, so I WILL NOT google) careful since I can't call my giant husband to come to my rescue. So, I close the door, take J out of his seat, to check out the exciting headrest of the driver's seat, and wait. They moved at about the speed of molasses, but finally left and we did our shopping.


I know it's no fun. I know the loins, they burnin'. But, deal with it. Staple that marriage certificate to yo' forehead, and realize the horizontal's only a dream at this point.

This post? Brought to you by Whitney, and the number 13.
(I saw a lot of Sesame Street toys today)

Ni-night, girly...keep those eyes peeled for more blog-inspiration... :-)


Michelle Murphy said...

They don't even have to go to the sex shop, Amazon has a bunch of toys too! I'm glad I'm off post, I don't like forward men and it's bad there! Luckily neighborhood is mellow. I agree that it is much easier when you can have your giant husband rescue you. My giant has a mean glare.

ChristopherandWhitney said...

I seriously don't think any of them can keep it in their pants anymore, guys or the girls. It's very sad to see this. I am still in shock over what I saw today, and what I have seen since my husband was stationed here last year, I have be-friended a bunch of "army wives" from this post already, some that were like my best friends, because of choices they decided to make and I don't agree with it. I am sorry, but if you are unhappy with your marriage, then get a divorce, don't go and cheat!!! If you can't stand a deployment without sleeping with other people, then don't be an Army Wife! Simple as that!! I loved this blog girl, you are an amazing writer, you have some talent. =) I can't wait till your next blog. Night girl.

Ethan & Clayden's mommy said...

This pisses me off to no end when I hear of see this crap. My neighbor beside me has a spouse that is deployed currently. She manages to get of rid of her kids frequently so last weekend she was up partying it up late until oh lets say 5am. She met these 8 and I did put the correct number there "8" at the shoppette down the street. She decided to bring these douche bags back home. She was bragging to a neighbor she met some "boys toys" and was going to break them in the right way. WOW! She had these men over and a few stayed the night with her. Just down right disgusting! She thinks this is alright. It's not. Her husband is fighting for our country while she's being a "slore" as you put it. Personally that's just too stinking nice to call her. She gives us Army wives bad names. We already have the reputation of being a whore while our spouses are gone and darn right. She lived that name up very well. The divorce rate is very high in the military and its because of people like her. It bothers me. I had a patient that came into the office the other day that is married but had another guy with her. As I was walking down the hallway she was kissing his neck. 1) You are a dirty whore, no nice way of putting that. 2) You are in a public place so keep it clean. I am a bitch as many people know and do not hold back and I simply said hey Liz how is Mike doing. She was like he's okay. The guy with her replied; who's Mike. She said my baby cousin. WTF! Really. I said no that's her husband btw. He walked out and left her skank a&^ there at the clinic. She was a balling. OH WELL! Act like a whore, get treated like a whore.

Wendy said...

So, why is it that this is happening EVERYWHERE? Not just Army wives. What the heck happened to being married and faithful? It's almost like an oxymoron anymore. Does it not mean anything???