Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Baby Fever.

Before I can type one word actually pertaining to the title, I have to say this:

Apparently, the next-door neighbor dog has to go outside every 15 minutes and, literally (LITERALLY) barks the entire time it's outside. Incessant barking. That annoying little dog bark. I woke up this morning because of that damn dog. I'm getting a little stabby. I have visions of punting him over a bridge, Anchorman style.

Phew...

I feel better. Thanks, dolls!

OK, so this baby fever thing. I don't got it. Not even an ounce of it.

I mean, don't get me wrong; I am so excited for my friends who are pregnant/just poppin' 'em out. Love it! I love seeing those freshly baked babes out at Target (all the while feeling terrible for the mama who freshly-birthed that has to run out and get paper towels)! I would even love to rock a newbie.

But, ya know what I'd love even more? Handing said bebeh back to its mama. Oh, man, this probably makes me sound so mean (especially since it coincides with my announcement of wanting to dropkick dogs....)! I really do love kids! But, as Jake's turning more into a teeny boy, than he looks like a little baby, I don't miss it. I like seeing him plot his course of how he'll get from A to B, considering what furniture will work best. I like that he feeds himself. I like that he has favorite country songs that I sing to him, and stays quiet and just stares at me when I sing them. I guess I'm more excited about watching Jake mature than I am about changing the occupancy status of the uterus.

But, here's my quandry...

I love being pregnant. Finding out I was pregnant was one of thee most exciting things ever. I remember how beautiful it was to drive to school the next morning knowing there was the beginnings of life right there inside of me. Such a calming, peaceful, beautiful feeling that made me wildly excited!

Part B of the quandry: If Gary were to be back early enough, I think it'd be wicked awesome to pop a kid out on 11/11/11. I mean, wouldn't it?! (yep...these are the kinds of things I think about). But, deployment acts as birth control, so it ain't happenin'.

Which brings us back to the present.

I'm pretty OK with it not happening. When Gary was here on leave, we talked about how great it was that Jake can walk around, and play, and watch TV without needing us at every second. We could sit there and have a conversation, leave the room, shower without it having to be a big, orchestrated dance.

Maybe I feel this way because our plan wasn't to get pregnant until Jake's 2 or 3, anyway? Maybe because Gary's away and the thought of being pregnant without him here not only terrifies me to my core, but saddens me? I'm not really sure. Like I mentioned before, saying I don't even have an ounce of baby fever probably makes me sound like a hater, but it's the opposite; I want to enjoy Jake. I want to watch this new phase of discovery he's going through. I want to soak it up. Plus, come Friday, I am done breastfeeding. I want my body to be mine for a bit. Whitney told me I'm not allowed to feel bad saying that. She gets it, thank goodness!

I guess I just kind of want to "be" for a little while. Do you mamas feel that way? Or, did you?

I get tickled pink at the idea of Jake walking with me to his highchair for a meal, rather than being carried. Or, how when that first word pops out of his mouth, I know I'll shed a tear. Ok, here's what it is, which might better get my point across: I want to be completely present in this moment; these moments we're having where Jake's intelligence is astounding me on the daily. Being pregnant would excite me. Wondering if the new babe is a boy or a girl would excite me. The idea of Jake being an older brother would excite me. I'd just like my thoughts to be able to stay with him. He deserves it, after all.

Of course, tomorrow morning I'll probably wake up because my uterus is glowing so brightly it's bordering on radioactive, but, for now, we're OK with being a one-child family. But, aww!! Adding to the family one day does make me all gooey inside.

1 comment:

Boobies said...

I'm done having kids but still go back and forth...I guess just because I can! I totally relate!