Wednesday, October 6, 2010

This blows.

I hate the first day.

I hate everything about it.

I hate that his post-shower smell still lingers in the bathroom. I hate that I won't be waking up to him each morning for so many months. I hate that sitting here, while Jake naps, it feels like the quiet is closing in. But, most of all, I hate not seeing his handsome face and feeling his warm touch every single day.

As much as I don't want to acknowledge it right now, I have to throw it up to the Big Man upstairs for giving me a man that makes my heart ache when he's gone; that I, simply put, cannot get enough of.

I'm wrapped up so tightly in this wonderful man I get to call my husband you'd swear we were a Twizzler. So, when he leaves? The adjustment can be pretty rough.

I hate that now Jake and I are back to being a Dynamic Duo. He's such a sweet little boy and is being extra affectionate while seeing his mama cry, but it's so hard to see all his new accomplishments, and turn to share the excitement with your hubby....and he's not there.

We set our alarm this morning for about an hour and a half before Jake would get up, so that we could square away last minute packing and have a moment to ourselves to try and grasp the suckfest that would be this day. We sat on the couch, I cried, and he hugged me so tightly I felt I would be absorbed into his body. We reminded one another that leave has to end so that the deployment as a whole can end.

I tried, with all my might, to have a reasonable amount of control over how many tears would flow from me so that it wouldn't be harder on him. That's the last thing I'd want. I know it crushes him to see me cry. Shit, it borderline eats a piece of my soul to see him get choked up. My 6'3" 200+lbs of man is my hero, with a weakness for his family. It doesn't get more sexy than that.

The drop-off at the airport went as well as could be expected. We, obviously, weren't trying to become theatrical with our hugs, but when a couple, with tears in their eyes, is hugging the shit out of each other, one in uniform...it tends to warrant a glance or two.

Leaving the airport, I felt like I was crying out the whites of my eyes. The first day is such bullshit. Anyway, so we're headed down the 24 and satellite radio is trying to kill me. I had been able to have Gary listen to songs that always remind me of him (as if anything doesn't); Lee Brice's "Love like crazy" and Carrie Underwood's "Mama's Song" (not a country music fan? Become one. Then youtube those songs. They won't disappoint). He loved them. We got a tiny bit choked up, but were ok...we had a ton of leave left. Well, I heard "Mama's Song" on the way home and almost had to turn it off. But, I knew it was good for me to cry. Why be strong on the first day? I have to let the abundance of tears leave me sometime. Those songs, though, ugh....they describe everything I feel for him.

I hate that I won't be able to spy on Gary giving Jake his baths~I haven't given a bath for 2 weeks. I hate that I won't feel his hand holding mine on top of my thigh as we drive. I hate that we can't randomly start wrestling. I hate that we can't have pillow talk. I hate that we won't be emptying the dishwasher together for such a long time. I hate that I won't see his adorable bedhead every morning.

I know I have to make it. I have an amazing little boy that needs his mama to gather her shit. So, I have blankets to make for my two favorite boys, pictures to scrapbook, 5k's to run (Freud would say I'm running from deployment. But, Freud's a dipshit)(also? I have 3-4 5k's coming up. So, that's how awesome I am), parties to attend, holidays that need decorating, a blog that need restructuring (so I can get ALL comments instead of some. Oh, and because of today, eff off blogger)....all these plans will fill up our days, it's just hard to do the re-imagining I need to right now to accept the fact that I'll be doing these things without my other half. Well, I'll rephrase: I'll be doing those things without my other half's boots being on U.S. soil. I'm never without him. And, that's a beautiful thing.

OK, I just have to say it:

Fuck off, deployment.

Also, I'll be winning, deployment. Not you. I heard that song "If you're goin' through hell, keep on goin'..." on the way home from the airport, and thought Yes, this is my anthem. Then, I realized it's not. It's not even close to being what describes my life. You are something that simply reminds me that I have a man that loves and adores me from thousands of miles away and a son who can lift the fog of any sadness.

That was a much needed digression.

So, today I'm sure I'll be living within the box of tissues we bought yesterday, and trying to blog about the amazing time we had together. And, trying to upload all our pics (at least 200...holy hell). And, start making hubster his blanket. And, praying to sweet Baby Jesus that I am as strong as I need to be, and that my hubby knows the exponential amount of love and pride I feel for him.

And, as always, staring at the phone.

1 comment:

Daily Dose of Dahl said...

Hugs to you. Deployments suck.