Monday, November 29, 2010
I have baby fever.
When I posted that I didn't have it, even a little bit, I swore on a stack of all things Holy that that was truth; and it was.
Lately, things have changed.
First, Jake is mother-effin' hilarious. I can barely stand it. We laugh together SO MUCH. He's trying to say more words. He laughs, intentionally & at particular instances (as in, he's not just laughing like a hyena at everything), when we watch TV. He's so friendly. I watch him absorb everything around him like a sponge. I'm just growing more and more proud of him every day.
Secondly, I've been through everything on my list that scared the bajesus out of me about handling deployment with a toddler and no back-up. Well, there's that, handling deployment with a toddler and no back-up. Then, there's Jake being sick, me being sick, teething so horrendous I cursed the names of dentists everywhere. Little, adorable me thought "I really want to keep my hair appointments, how do I do it with Jake?!" Sister, we got bigger fish to fry.
((P to the S....I did get to keep my hair appointments! :::hammer time::: Mama's got a lot of hair; it needs taming!))
Thirdly, I've mastered the Post Office, with multiple packages, and said toddler! The first trip to the Post Office, though? CLUSTERFRICK. It was horrible and, the next time Gary called, I apologized, preemptively, for the strong possibility that he'll never receive another box from me for the remainder of this deployment. Thankfully, I worked it out! I stepped outside the doors of that Postal building, jumped into the air, and fist-bumped the Heavens. I emerged victorious.
This is how I felt.
Fourthly, my friend, Casey, and I have started weekly dates at our house. She has a near 3 week old little girl that I just can't get enough of! Casey and bebeh came over around 9 pm on Thanksgiving and didn't leave 'til almost 2am, and I held that wee infant almost the entire time! I so caught it.
Baby Fever. This shizz is contagious.
And, to clarify, it's not that Jake is growing up that I want to have a baby around. I love that. I love that he's getting bigger, and smarter, and, all around, just the bee's knees; it's that I want another one just like him. I want to see him as an older brother. I want to share that love, that pounds my heart for Jake, with another little human being. And, hello, seeing Gary as a daddy to two kids? Pretty sure I just ovulated at the mere thought of that.
We have our plan, though. And, like so many things, we're wide open to rearranging aspects of the plan. I feel a little lamesauce referring to our preferred sequence of events as "the plan". Ideas? Suggestions? I don't effing know! How about, we have 'thoughts' on how we'd like things to go for us, baby making included? Does that one work?
When Gary gets back, Jake will be pushing 2. TWO. T-W-O. He'll be more self-sufficient, and all that business. It just all seems so enticing! One of the times I got my 'do did, I was talking about Jake driving me to the ledge and, another woman got in on our convo and said how at least twice a week she questions if she's able to be a good mama to her two young kids. I thanked her. Repeatedly. It was such a comfort to know that that's just how you feel sometimes.
I guess, maybe, what helps me be all feverish is that so many things scared me, and I've conquered them. I've found that way to navigate our day, not lose anyone in the process, and feel accomplished. I'm, kind of, in awe that it's possible. Not every day is a victory, but , in an overall sense, we get a 'W' more often than not.
The first person, outside Gary obviously, who figured out (I thought I was all stealthy in my word choices, but she cracked my code) I was pregnant with Jake told me something that is so simple, but really resonates with me: "When you have the second baby, it's easy. You've already altered your life for the first one. Now? All you have to do is add the second one to the mix"
It's not like it can happen now anyway. Abstinence and deployment, one in the same. It's just comforting to know that when it is time, we can totally rock the house with our parenting.
Posted by Sammie at 9:32 AM