Some days it needs to be a conscious effort to remember that the boy is still little. I mean, we converse with, literally, only our eyes sometimes.
And, that? FLOORS. ME.
So, sometimes it has to be an absolutely literally conscious thought to remember that he's still little because how emotionally mature he is. I think that one day, hopefully not too terribly far off (Mr. Army dictates when I get to have sex...), Jake will be a big brother and how effing fabulous he'll be at it. But, then I have to take a step back. I have to remember that he's still got so much to experience and so many firsts left. He's not done, ya know?
That sounds pretty freakin' obvious, right?! But, it's not. And, it leaves me wondering, do other mamas feel this way? I mean, we've been around our little dopplegangers since they came out of the shoot and now they're pushing a year and a half and it's such a far deviation from A to B that they must be grown ups, right?!
For the love of Grilled Cheesus, someone tell me you feel the same! Or multiple someones; that'd be great!
I say all that mumbo jumbo because I've been thinking about him in the older-tense. I was thinking that, one day, I won't be his whole world. And, I'll be ok with that. I was thinking that he'll have a first day of school, a first crush, the first time he skins his knees, the first time he has a date to a dance....
I have heart palpitations at all these thoughts.
But, they're happy palpitations.
I'm vowing (uh-oh, this is "on paper"...better keep to it!) that when Jake starts to move away from me, that I'll be ok with it; that I'll understand it's normal. And, by doing so, I'll be strengthening our relationship because I'm allowing him to spread his wings. That whole "if you let it go..." saying.
I'm friends on FB with the man that was my goalie coach, while I was a goalie obviously, when I played on a club team. He put a picture up of him and his mom and said "My mommy". It was totally sweet, though. He's got a wife, and a family, of his own, but he still thinks of his mom in that respect. That's what I want.
While we were driving the other day, I looked at Jake in the mirror that allows me to see the backseat (separate from the rearview, just so you know :-)) and I teared up. I cannot wait for him to bring home the girl he's going to marry. Knowing that she completes him in just the ways he needs makes her amazing. Seeing the way he looks at her and, being able to reflect on the way my husband looks at me, knowing the feelings he's feeling, because I'm so blessed to be feeling the same ones, is going to be something so special.
I want to be someone he respects and adores, but knows that I know how he feels about me. I want him to be ever so grateful that I'm not going to try to suffocate him, with my love for him, so that I feel our relationship is solid. Our relationship will be solid whether he's across the street, Everybody-Loves-Raymond style, or he's clear across the globe. And, I know that he'll be appreciative of that freedom.
But, more than just our relationship, I want him to be happy. Whatever it is that makes him truly happy, I want that. I want him to be a stand-up individual, who knows right from wrong, and conducts himself appropriately. I want him to be proud of where he came from, but to not be afraid to explore what else is out there. I want him to be open, to both new experiences and the views of others. I want him to know he is worthy, and amazing, one of the great blessings of our lives.
I want him to know that we'll go to the moon and back for him. I want him to know that he'll hear his birth story every single year on his birthday, just like my mom does for me, and to enjoy that bit of reflection.
I want him to be protective of his siblings, to fight only if necessary, and to befriend those that need one. I want him to be chivalrous. I want him to know there's a certain way women are treated, and that words are not just words. I want him to know how strong his impact can be on the world around him. I want him to know God, and have a relationship with Him that is all his own, not to be concerned with the views of others.
I want him to know humility; being able to laugh at yourself is a very admirable trait. I want him to know that life is not to be handled with a laissez-faire mentality. His life is beautiful, and amazing, and wide open to be whatever he wants it to be. But, I also hope he finds happiness in simplicity. The kind of simple happiness I feel when I hear the great love of my life playing with my little miracle as I make dinner.
I'm sure I've written a post like this before, but it just feels....different. It feels like all those things are going to be here before we know it; I can almost feel them approaching. I am so, so proud of him and the person he's becoming. I want him to keep that friendliness with those around him, to continue laughing with me, and to keep being down for different adventures.
Most of all, I want him to be just like his daddy.