Thursday, September 15, 2011

The Gym Chronicles: Perv Edition

I go to the gym to workout.

Shocking, I know

But, I also go to laugh with my friends. Because we're hilarious. But, I won't get into that.

Digression stopped in its tracks! :::high fives self:::

Going to a gym on an Army post isn't unlike going to a civilian gym; there are some guys there who are so impressed with themselves they stare at their own magnificence in the mirror their entire workout; there are women who go just to say, literally, they went to the gym that day---workout, maybe not so much; and there are some people who go to impress perfect strangers.

Ya know, just a day in the life of the gym.

Before we get started on the wrong foot, there are no intentional implications that I think I'm the only one who actually gets a workout in, or that the majority of people don't go there to work on their fitness.

But, these people are boring to talk about.

There's this one guy I swear is always there when I'm there. Ladies, you've totally encountered this guy. He's the one who stares so hard, with no regard for the awkward meter, you swear you have a booger hanging out your nose. I'm pretty sure if he spoke, rather than just burned me with his retinas, he'd have a Russian accent. Maybe, ladies, you don't know that guy, but you get the gist.

Whenever I walk by this guy, my mind goes back and forth between how to get him to stop. The options I've come up with? Picking my ass, or picking my nose. Either way, something's gettin' picked.

Hey, he dishes out the awkward, I'd like to give it right back.

Of course, by the time I've finished making my mental pros-cons list for which route would be best he's outside my personal space and, let's face it, picking my ass for no reason would just be uncalled for.

Until we meet again, Russian gym perv.

Or, how about the guy who, as he does curls or pull-ups or something else bicep-related, looks down at his arms, looks back at you, and then back at his arms as if to say, "Look how impressive I am. These arms? Their mine!"

I've decided the look that guy should receive is the look of confusion I'd have if someone asked me to divide 8761 by 241.

Of course, none of these things need to be done by me; ladies, join in! Throw the awkward right back at 'em!

One day, I was at the gym with Annaleigh and Amy and some guy walks by, stares at Amy's butt so blatantly he didn't even care when everyone was looking at him, totally surprised by his lack of grace. Look, gym perv, I know Amy's butt is bongo-worthy, but, for serious?? Exercise some sort of stealth, puhlease!

So, Pervy Perversons, I think that's all we ladies ask. I know, I know. God put us here simply to be ogled by you, a stranger, but can you be less painfully obvious? Because the answer to your question is 'No".

Seriously, no thanks.



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