Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Holy Crap.

Yesterday, I made my first baby doctor appointment!

But, as soon as I got off the phone, as excited as I felt, there was a bit of anxiety and I figured out why. We've been thinking about fresh, full-of-baby-smell, squishy little person for even longer than the four months we'd been trying, but yesterday it sank in....the husband won't be here for the birth of our Littlest.

A couple months ago when we first found out the husband was deploying for the 400th time, Gary said it was up to me if we were going to keep trying; that I'd be the one home with two babies by myself for a while so the ball was all up in my court. I, in my bring it, biatch-challenge mentality was confident I could handle the challenge so I responded, "Knock me up!" He laughed. And, then he did.

Gary doesn't come home from training until this weekend, so yesterday we were on the phone and I said how, at first, I thought about being pregnant and giving birth without him was part of the job description of the Army wife. We're supposed to hold down the homestead, produce babies, handle chores on sick days, yadda yadda yadda all on our own during deployment. It's what's expected of us and I would, without doubt, rise to the occasion.

And, I don't doubt that I can, shit...have done, do all that's expected of me. And, I'm sure family will come out for the birth of our Littlest and help with recovery (I assume there's a strong possibility of needing another c-section...although, I hope to avoid that!). But it made me sad that he won't be here. He's my rock.

We already have the plan that he'll call and I'll tell him that we have a new little boy, or little girl, and it'll make for one very special phone call. That the THREE of us will go to his welcome home ceremony and I'll introduce him to his second child. All of that will be some serious memories made and moments I could never regret if I tried. We were just spoiled to have him home for the entire pregnancy of our main man, J-Bone, as well as the first 8 1/2 months of his life.

But, I guess it's better I let this sink in now than in my 3rd trimester!

OK, that was seriously cathartic.

But, it's also extremely possible that the only reason I felt any small bit of anxiety was because I need mediterranean food and mac n' cheese (not together) in ways, I'm sure, no one on the planet can fathom.

Cravings, yo.

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